Is There a Doctor In The House?

This is a very special Xena blog post! Why? Because this is America and we don’t ask the tough questions like: Why? This episode is a DOOZY! I skipped some, but going through every episode is exhausting.

Sweet Brown! You sweet goddess are you ever right!

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN DA HOUSE!!!

"I prescribe two shots of Tequila Por favor!"

"Xena, lets roll play!"

Xena and Gabrielle are headed to Athens for a romantic night out, but I bet you couldn't guess…OMG a war. A civil war! Xena casually mentions it's Aries favorite kind. (I know what somebody is getting for their birthday!!) They keep on creeping in the woods so they don’t disturb the soldiers.

In the 90's bloody battle was often shot in blur vision for dramatic  effect.

That's when they run into their girl Ephiny!! Whaaaaa……she is in a state! Girl done and got her self preggers.

"What brings you to the civil war? Shopping?"

Don’t worry! She is married she also casually mentions Phantes, and by casually I mean he was murdered and do we remember that he is a Centaur? I’ll let that one sink in. Here is an equation Amazon+Centaur(doin it)=X  Please solve for X.

Xena (being the sort of lady she is) wants peace between the two quarreling war parties. She injures a man then takes him, Gabrielle, and our future Mother to a healing temple. The soldier reveals that he is high rank and Xena is like "errr whaaaa you look like a soldier with no rank!" 

"You look like the rank of BITCH!"

When Gabrielle and Xena first get to the healing temple Ephiny is like "I am le sad, I don’t want to go on." Gabrielle gently strokes Xena’s back and rests her hand on her arm and says “Your friends and family are here now” Xena is all like you gonna have a baby girl.

^ see that?^

Ephiny is all like “Family?” Gabrielle shrugs it off cause you know pregnant women can be so absent minded! “I am your sister Amazon!” Gabrielle proclaims and Ephiny is all like “Oooooh yeah! They gave YOU the right of cast.” Seriously WTF! That was a major episode in which the main focus was the FACT that Amazons and Centaurs don’t get along and Gabrielle gets her right of cast!! Don’t you remember Ephiny? You were pissed!!! 

DERP.

Gabrielle talks Ephiny into not wanting to die with her unborn *cough* child.

We learn the wounded soldier is actually the Mitoan General when he meets up with his men they are all like "General! Hey gurl where you been!?" and he is all like shut your fucking mouths! The Generals name is Marman lol sounds like merman what a creep.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!! THE GUARD IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE!"

Xena runs off after hearing a man screaming out in pain. We find out a man child named Hippocrates (*Wink*Wink*Nod*Nod*Nudge*Nudge) is trying to move a wounded dude to an alter.They be all up in Aesculapius's healing temple. They be praying for an answer to HEAL the wounds of the sick Mutha fuckas.

"We're Hellenic Scientists"

This is how they met: Xena says “Don’t move him!” and the other man says “But we HAVE to put him on the Alter” Xena replies “What’s your name” and the guy replies “ Hippocrates” and Xena is like “If you move him he will die” so Hippocrates says “but Aesculapius God of medicine has to empower Galen with the proper power and drugs, so we HAVE to put him on the ALTER!!” that was a direct quote.

"Is that a caduceus? Or are you just not happy to see me?"

Xena wasn't buying that shit so she waltzed her self right over to Galen and says “The Gods don’t care if your men live or die.” and he looks her right in the fuckin eye and says “WHO IS THIS WOMAN!?”  I lol’d myself in a frenzy with that shit. 

He then called her a Harlot and says he doesn’t believe she could know more about healing than him. Well remember he IS talking to the Warrior Princess and you know her she a diva. 

"Oh, Shyt"

When suddenly a man who can’t breathe comes in... Xena is all like "Get me cloth and a hallow reed!!"So she totally MacGyvers the shit out of it and uses a Hallow Reed, that breast Dagger she stole from Gabrielle, some cob webs, a dash of hope, and some cloth! Boom man is saved. Lets look at that play by play shall we?

"What the fuck!"

Okay now that we have the set up....Xena teaches Hippocrates that every problem in life can basically be healed with some cobwebs, a hallow reed, and a touch of love. SO now the moment we have all been waiting for!

Xena cuts a mans leg off.

Then a strange man talks Gabrielle into going out in the war zone to find his son. Xena really should let Gabrielle have that breast dagger! Damn! Gabrielle comes back all injured like. 

"Uhhhh Xena that breast dagger?"

NOW THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! As the war starts....
Ephiny goes into labor!!!!! Xena grabs some Hallow reeds, some cobwebs, and a touch of love. Cuts a beast out of the WOMAN!!

LOL moment Ephiny is all going into labor and Xena asks "What's wrong" LOL Xena you try having maritals with a horse bottom and then ask what's wrong! Picture time!!

Basically it's the most fucked up shit ever! WTF!! Can you imagine!!! So much going on in this episode I can't even fathom! So now Gabrielle is dying. This is the first of many MANY! *hint* like every episode. Where Xena tells Gabrielle she can't live with out her.
The General learned himself a lesson.  Gabrielle is sort of dead....Again i'll just play it out in pictures.

Okay, so Gabrielle is alive. She is finally better wakes up and looks over at the Centaur Baby. She was lucky enough to have been dead through that.

So if there is anything we have learned it's that child birth is disgusting.

And Xena loves to look at Gabrielles boobs.

Xena Season 1 Episode 11: The Black Wolf

There are terrible episodes in a series and then there is this...

So this episode starts off with a terrible title “The Black Wolf”. See what I mean? Some of these earlier episodes are really hit or miss. It opens with some tax collectors shaking down a family for some silver coins and the family is all “Ahhh how we supposed to make a living” and the tax collectors are like “Send your women to the street.” Really a much different tone since the last episode but hey this was the 90’s.

Hi kids remember me?

A group of Ninjas come seemingly out of nowhere and begin to attack the tax collectors. Sort of Power Rangerish if you ask me which you didn’t so I am telling you it’s totally like Power Rangerish. 

Identity concealed! 

The 90's were all about NinJAS!!

We find out that these “Ninjas” call themselves The Black Wolves. Of course the King comes out and addresses the towns folk about how they would all be punished blah, blah, blah Black Wolf something blah. He threatens the town to give up their local hero or he will send them all to work in the fields. So a cross between Ryan Gosling and Sean Penn pipes up and says it’s him. The town people ain’t having it so they all start saying they are the Black Wolf. WATCH OUT. I feel the main story coming on. 

If you add two movie stars together you get a guy that looks like
he would steal your Mom's TV for meth.

So the King or the leader of the tax collectors tells them they are all arrested and they have 7 days or he will kill them all.

Only reason Xena headed to the town was she and Argo needed some new shoes. WOMEN BE SHOPPIN. Am I right?

"OMG I cannot believe you fit so much dead fish in there!"

Well, there was some commotion because some rich ladies daughter be in the dungeon. She got bitch slapped by a guard and of course you know Xena and her Damsels. She goes and beats the SHIT out of the guards. Turns out Xena knows that old broad. The amounts of coincidences that happen on this show AMAZE me. It’s like somebody wrote it like that!

"Will you stop getting the shit kicked out of you I'am trying to shop!"

I guess the king in this episode is named Xerxes not the Persian but if they are named Xerxes they must all have dungeons. Anyways, Xena promises this lady to get her daughter out of Jail. Strangely enough we have yet to see a Gabrielle in this episode. Curious, very curious. 

They show the King bitching about the Black Wolves and he has a striking resemblance to Peter Jennings. Anyways, Xena goes and talks to him and they come up with a plan that the King hilariously named Xerxes will pay Xena 10,000 for the Black Wolf and give her a new pair O shoes.

He just LOOKS like a Xerxes

Get this man some Just for Men and he can play Xerxes

 Ain’t that quite the deal? So Xena puts on a show gets arrested and sent to the dungeon. Would you believe Gabrielle shows up and has to pay for Argos new shoes and gets told Xena is in the dungeon? We all see where this is going right? Anyway down in the dungeon Sean Gosling is acting all tough. His GF totally like knows Xena and says that Xena taught her how to use a sword (which she refuses to teach Gabrielle) and also taught her how to embroider. When Sean Gosling says “You sew” Xena is all like “I have many skills.” Except of course teaching her sidekick whom she consistently puts in dangerous situations and leaves to fend on her own how to defend herself…just saying.  All I know is don’t dis Xena’s sewing abilities. 

She also does macrame ---many skills

Gabrielle is wearing a new hat BTW. What a fashionista! Gabrielle is trying to get thrown into the dungeon but is interrupted by guess who…. Salmoneus! 

Gabrielle gets him thrown in the dungeon he gets blamed throwing a tomato at a guard. Gabrielle eventually gets herself thrown in the dungeon and has a heartfelt reunion with a woman I like to call Xena. She’s a warrior princess but I bet you've never heard of her.

Well shit is happening in the dungeon and Gabrielle gets down in there and starts looking for her “Friend” Xena. Whom she describes as “tall and beautiful” cause you know friend stuff.

See that LOOK on Xena's face! HOLY SHIT! She is also not happy about the hat.

Gabrielle reveals her stupid hat is actually Xena’s Chakram and her stylish belt is *GASP* Xena’s whip. That’s a straight shooter we have on our management team Tom. Oh and Salamoneus is like that’s the little twink that got me down here in the first place. Xena is all like that’s my friend and he is all like whaaa you have friends is she a warrior and starts touching Gabrielle's arm. Xena is all hands off of the lady man. Gabrielle makes a joke about his hands on her tomatoes and Xena was not havin that. She gave him the I am going to beat the shit out of you look....little possessive there Xena? Anyway, Xena didn’t want to explain the story and neither do I. BTW---the girl that’s in cahoots with The Black Wolves is a terrible actress along with Ryan Penn just some of the worse acting I have seen on this show p.s the shows acting is not remarkable. She reminds me a bit of a less hot version of Kristin Stewart.  

Also Fuck this episode….Xena gets everyone out. Gabrielle’s hair looks more red than blonde to me. Gabrielle is probably one of my favorite characters of all time. She plays the sidekick so well. P.S. it was the woman she was the black wolf. Jesus H. Christ. Ugghhh…not the best episode indeed. 

It was me ya'll